Chatted to a girlfriend the other day while she was ranting about her boyfriend and how egotistical he is, I realized just how overly flexible (for the lack of a more appropriate word) women are where relationships are concerned. Firstly I need to say that I’m not being judgmental towards them or coming down at them. I just feel that we should not accept an unhealthy relationship where we keep on compromising for the sake of the love for that person or because that is how it’s “supposed” to be. I’m aware of the importance of healthy compromise. It is natural and unavoidable in any relationship, but if we do it to sidestep conflict or to save our men from stress then I must say I disagree. In the early stages of a relationship each one of us wants it to last happily ever after and naturally we say that we’ll do anything to make this relationship last. That’s where the seed is planted and where the relationship gradually start to weaken. We concede to everything and take sole responsibility to conserve the relationship with no input or sacrifices from our partners. In a healthy relationship each partner should affirm who the other is and allow each one to meet the others needs.
When I was in my teenage years I had this picture of how a relationship between a girl and a boy should be. The boy would take the lead in most things and the girl would follow suit. My mother taught me that relationships are about compromise and that I shouldn’t expect to get my way all the time. That I have to make sacrifices even if it made me unhappy and that I should act differently instead of addressing the root cause of the problem. Mmmmh…she was right in lots of ways, “but mommy!!” I would argue. We are in a new era and today we are not dependent on men anymore. We are earning our own money; we can stand without having a man around who refuses to work on his flaws. We may want to be with a man but we don’t actually need them. We are in fact perfectionist in that regard and have already worked out how every aspect of our relationship should and shouldn’t be. We CAN expect and demand more. So if the guy we like is not meeting our emotional needs then he can and should take the back door out. We do not need guys to validate us.
All our lives we hear on talk shows and from counselors that marriage or relationships are all about negotiation. They never told us where it stops. Or to what limit do we compromise. We learn to compromise whenever we’re heading for difficult situations in a relationship. Even just in the event of living together amicably, we are said to settle with circumstances that is inconvenient at times.
…when do you know that what you have given or what you have put up with in a partnership is enough from your side? I mean we all want our relationship to flourish and we’ll do everything to keep it rosy. But there comes a time when you got to stop the bus.
Why da hell do we take so much crap from a man? Some of them who are dishonest and disrespectful too!! I keep on bumping into these insane emotions of revulsion when I think how men manipulate us. It’s crazy how we thrive on their attention and on their love just to be disappointed out of our minds time and again. We feel stupid and unworthy! We are willing to become pitiful just to be in his good books. We are willing to give up so much of ourselves; our souls for these uneducated, cheap, sex-obsessed and selfish weaklings.
Please do not attack me for being frank. I know all husbands are not like this. I know that there are guys who suffer at the hands of their lady partners as well, but I want to direct this post to someone out there that is putting too much value on the man in their lives and too little value on themselves.
I just want to tell her that:
“Your husband is not the one who runs your home, you both are.
The onus of your relationship is not only on you but him too.
Respect his parents but don’t run all the errands for them because he demands it.
If he’s not there with you when you need him the most, then there’s no point of him being there with you at any other time.
Fall in love but don’t lose your self-respect in the process.
The moment he declares that everything in your home happens at his approval you should know what he thinks of you.” – Random Thoughts; 2015-05
I strongly believe that we need to share more of our experiences of emotional abuse and stop telling our girlfriends, sisters and daughters that relationships are about compromise and they should settle for anything less than what makes them sparkle. Nobody should have to compromise on their values, their identity or their self-esteem to try and make a relationship work.
Please take a moment to read this article by California Psychics. They have listed 7 things women should not compromise in a relationship.
7 Things Women Should Not Compromise in a Relationship
By California Psychics
There are several things that a woman should not have to compromise in a relationship: family, friends, morals, happiness, individuality and more. We’ve all been told that “relationships are full of compromise” – and to a large extent, they are. When two people with distinct personalities, desires, and needs merge their lives, there’s bound to be some work ahead. The key is to be flex¬i¬ble in the relationship without feeling like a door¬mat or compromising your inner values. While there are plenty of things that should be open to negotiation in the partnership, here are a few key elements that make you who you are, that you should never compromise:
The essence of who you are should never be up for compromise. Your unique personality, your hopes and dreams, should be respected and appreciated by your significant other. If you find yourself feeling like you need to give up the things that make you uniquely you in order to fit into your mate’s lifestyle, then you’re compromising too much of yourself.
Family units are never perfect, and the mate is often required to cope with as many of your extended family’s problems as you do. Cutting your family out of your life to satisfy your beau is destructive, and will most certainly lead to you resenting your partner for the loss of these precious family ties. With families, both partners need to realize that the healthy compromise comes in accepting their loved one’s family, flaws and all.
He doesn’t have to like your friends; after all, they are yours and not his. As long as your friendships are healthy and they add something positive to your life, he should not ask you to give them up for him. Again, you will come to resent him for sacrificing the joy you receive from these important relationships.
The basic moral system which most of us have firmly in place in our psyches should always be respected. Loving someone does not mean absorbing their moral values. If you compromise on these, your conscience will suffer, eventually causing you to resent your partner. Better to find a mate with similar moral values that the two of you can use as a guide throughout your lives.
Any relationship that makes a woman feel bad about herself is an unhealthy one. If making you feel diminished somehow makes him feel more secure, or if pointing out your faults has become his favorite habit, you need to re-evaluate this person’s place in your life. Perhaps the two of you are a poor match. Perhaps, he is looking for an emotional punching bag. Whatever the case, your loved one should appreciate you, admire things about you, and be supportive. If not, cut him loose before more damage is done.
Happiness comes in many forms in the course of a lifetime. When you find those people, hobbies, and experiences which bring you genuine joy, your loved one should be supportive of these things in your life. If you feel the need to suppress your desires and needs for the good of the relationship, then you are compromising too much.
Co-dependency can and does happen with some couples, to the point where they forget how to function as separate individuals. Keeping your own personal interests and personality quirks is healthy, no matter how tight the bond between you and your mate. If every sentence you utter has a “we” instead of an “I,” if being separated from your mate for even a short amount of time causes major distress, you have sacrificed your individuality to the relationship. This is certain to cause resentment and identity crises down the line. Appreciate and celebrate your differences, and never stifle those distinctions between the two of you.
If a compromise makes you feel taken advantage of, or lessens you somehow as a person, then it is an unhealthy compromise. The art of compromise must come with mutual respect, good intentions and honesty. A compromise should not diminish either person as an individual, but strengthen the relationship as a whole. Become a master of healthy compromise and see how much happier and healthier your life and relationships become.
Sparkle on my girls!