See it for what it is – Part 1

Of all the different forms of abuse that women all over the world are subjected to, I’d like to stand still on one very specific silent almost undiagnosed type of abuse.

I never knew that it even had a name. For a long time I have misunderstood the characteristics of such an individual and identified the symptoms as something vaguely similar. I really think that a lot of women don’t even recognize it as abuse up until they are badly scarred already. I’m focusing on females not because it doesn’t happen to men as well, because it absolutely goes both ways, but because the nature of a lot of females makes them vulnerable to such behaviors’. I would also like to emphasize that as I’m raising a girl child my main concern regarding her safety is educating her on what is acceptable and what is not. Teaching my son that he needs to be a gentleman and responsible is equally important to me. We need to understand how essential it is to nurture our kids in becoming strong and healthy individuals emotionally and physically from a young age.

How can we protect them if we are being abused or is an abuser ourselves but we not willing to recognize it?

For this reason my dedication towards the awareness of the constant fight against women and child abuse will passionately go forth. It starts with ME bringing awareness to my children who will be able to influence/tell/enlighten their friends; who will tell their parents who in turn will be able to distinguish or identify which behaviors’ is not tolerable. And so the mindset of your family will be changed, your neighborhood will eventually change, your church community will change. Do you get my drift? That’s how we change the world. Starting with YOU and ME!

Coming back to the form of abuse I’m referring to. It is called a NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOUR. NARCISSISM. I’ve done some research on the symptoms and mannerisms of a narcissist. Did you know there are no common causes for this disorder except for the assumption that it might be genetic? ? It was found that it occurs more often in males than females and more young people than older people. Therapy as a treatment is very difficult because people with this disorder seldom consider themselves to have a problem.

The dictionary explains that it is a person who has a tendency to “self-worship, excessive or erotic interest in one’s own personal features”.  

Wikipedia explained it as follows: “Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which there is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others’ feelings. People affected by it often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or about their appearance. They often take advantage of the people around them. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations.”
Mayo Clinic staff said: “People who behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and other areas of their life, such as work or school. They may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. Such a person often monopolizes conversations, may belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior to them. They may feel a sense of entitlement and when they don’t receive special treatment they may become impatient or angry. A narcissistic person insist on having the best of everything for instance, the best car, medical care, phone or more of one thing. At the same time they have trouble handling criticism and may feel secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better about themselves they belittle the other person or react with rage to make them appear superior.”

A narcissist is insensitive to your needs, often violent and exceptionally critical of you. Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person can be destructive and very demoralizing. He belittles you, always putting you down. You are not able to negotiate with such a person and to make it worse a narcissist are not likely to take responsibility or even be aware that his actions is unhealthy to your relationship. If you decide to stay with a narcissistic person you must be prepared to adapt to coping methods because you cannot change such an individual as narcissism is a deep-rooted personality disorder.

I’d say the first thing you can do for yourself is admitting that your partner has a problem, because he is surely not going to. After admitting you will be able to learn more effective ways to deal with your situation. “Loving and living with a narcissist takes a heavy toll on the wife as she has taken years of abuse; she loses her sense of self-worth and remains submissive to his demands. Being married to a narcissist is like walking on eggshells. You don’t know what will cause an outburst or provoke his wrath.” (http://thenarcissisticlife.com/married)

How do you identify a narcissist?

There are a few characteristics that will be visible in most cases but the intensity will differ from individual to individual. If you notice at least 5 of the following traits within your partner you can be sure that he’s most likely a narcissist.

  1. His behaviour seems callous, unemotional and selfish. He may be able to playact the part of a loving husband or father to outsiders, but you will not see that behaviour at home.
  2. A sense of grandiose self-worth. This is an over-inflated ego to the point of exaggerating or lying about his accomplishments and worth.
  3. A sense of entitlement. Your husband expects preferential treatment from you and all others. He expects things to happen according to his wishes and expects total compliance from his spouse at all times.
  4. Idealized fantasy. Your husband may be obsessed with ideas about “perfect” love, beauty, or power. Although you were most likely put on a pedestal during courtship, you will have had to disappoint him at some point and then you become worthless and possibly discarded; there is very little room in between these two states.
  5. A haughty and superior attitude toward others. The narcissistic husband feels he is “special”. He often must have the very best of everything and feels he can only associate with others at his level or at his preferred institution (club, university etc.)
  6. An excessive desire or need for admiration from others. Admiration and praise act like a drug that he craves and he will go to extreme lengths to get it.
  7. Jealous of others and thinks others are jealous of him. He is envious of other people’s accomplishments and may even get enraged at hearing about the successes of others.
  8. A willingness to exploit others for his own benefit. Your husband may be comfortable with the idea of “stepping on others” to get ahead and sees no harm in it; he may even brag about it.
  9. Many narcissistic husbands are pathological liars. They will try and manipulate you with a complex web of lies and half-truths. Their highly selective memory will filter out the truth. They will blame you and not take responsibility for inflated ego. If you question their version of the truth, they may get enraged and lash out in anger or come up with an even more absurd lie to explain it away.
  10. Violent tendencies. Your husband may experience episodes of uncontrollable rage. His bouts of anger may include screaming, giving you the silent treatment, hurling obscenities or even physical violence. He may force himself on his wife sexually even if she is not consenting. He will try to modify his wife and children’s behaviour according to his wishes by criticizing. Source: http://thenarcissisticlife.com/married-to-a-narcissistic-Husband(2017)

It would please me if this article has brought awareness to at least one person because I know someone’s life will change for the better. I wouldn’t want anyone to judge or criticize another if they’re not certain of their facts. I also wouldn’t like someone to dismiss the facts and accept this kind of behavior from anyone. In my next post I’d like to show you some of the suggestions that the website provides for someone living with a narcissist. I think it’s awful if anyone has to live like this, but I guess God gives us Grace so we have to reflect that on those who needs it.

Love you, Love me Chanty

References:

  1. http://thenarcissisticlife.com/married-to-a-narcissistic-husband
  2. http://buzzle.com/articles/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist.html
  3. http://drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/How-To-Deal-With-A-Narcissist.html
  4.  http://psychalive.org/narcissistic-relationships/
  5. http://www.wikipedia.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder
  6. http://www.mayoclinicstaff.com

 

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