See it for what it is – Part 3

See it for what it is – Part 3

This has turned out to be the most intense and multifaceted topic that I’ve ever chosen to explore. At first I thought that doing a bit of research here and there would be sufficient but I was mistaken.  I had to admit to myself that I’m not nearly enough capable or knowledgeable to begin to understand the intricacies of this disorder. To be honest I found it quite difficult to continue to the final part due to an unfulfilled feeling I can’t sake. I’m still on about the subject that started with a part 1(one) concerning Narcissistic personality disorder.  I’m at a point where I’m frantically searching for answers, solutions and happy endings. As previously mentioned, I was going to do some more research to find a healthier nobler way for women to protect themselves. I’ve been trying to get a better view by passively debating it with my husband and also to get an opinion from a male’s perspective. I’m still struggling to wrap my mind around the logic of trying to negotiate a better life with such a person. I was clearly never ready to even attempt getting to a proactive resolution at all. All I know at this point is that admittance is better than pretending that everything is fine. Also that knowledge is power. Once you see it for what it is – you’ll begin to realize your worth and start working towards better circumstances for yourself and your family.

Before you do anything further…just stop for a moment and listen to this song by India Arie. YouTube, ITunes or Sound-cloud whatever you fancy.

This is for you!!

“Beautiful Flower”   by India Arie

This is a song for every girl who’s

Ever been through something

She thought she couldn’t make it through

I sing these words because

I was that girl too

Wanting something better than this

But who do I turn to?

Now we’re moving from the darkness into the light

This is the defining moment of our lives

 Cause you’re beautiful like a flower

More valuable than a diamond

You are powerful like a fire

You can heal the world with your mind

 There is nothing in the world that you cannot do

When you believe in you, who are beautiful

Yeah you, who are brilliant

Yeah you, who are powerful

Yeah you, who are resilient

This is a song for every girl who

Feels that she is not special

Cause she don’t look like a supermodel Coke bottle

The next time the radio tells you to shake your money-maker

Shake your head and tell them, tell them you’re a leader

Now we’re moving from the darkness into the light

This is the defining moment of our lives

 Cause you’re beautiful like a flower

More valuable than a diamond

You are powerful like a fire

You can heal the world with your mind

 There is nothing in the world that you cannot do

When you believe in you, who are beautiful

Yeah you, who are brilliant

Yeah you, who are powerful

Yeah you, who are resilient

 

Now we can put an end to those feelings of hopelessness and defeat. I’ve always loved India Arie. She’s all for empowering women. Reminding them of their beauty and their worth. This should be our anthem; our theme song and this morning I’m singing from the top of my lungs. This song is for you!!

 

It’s difficult to fully understand what goes through a woman’s mind if she chooses to stay in an abusive relationship. It’s easy for someone not in that position to say walk away or get a divorce. There’s always so much at stake and a wise woman would consider all her options before making any decisions. As a woman I know how much we value the connection between our partner and ourselves. As emotional and sensitive beings we will go through the fire to make sure that we keep our partners happy. Let’s be honest for a moment about most relationships. Who are the ones who suggest therapy when problems arise? Who are the ones working extra hard to change and accept things for the sake of a functional relationship? It’s always the woman. She’ll go the extra mile even if it hurts badly, but that’s what we women do. Always pushing aside her own feelings making the one next to her the priority.  Well, I don’t think it’s fair. I don’t think it’s acceptable. If this is you, I think you owe it to yourself to reconsider your current way of dealing with this issue.

After reading countless articles on all the platforms I could possibly access, I’ve come across an article on First wives world website. www.firstwivesworld.com.  Originally posted by Marye: “Eight Coping strategies for Life with a Narcissist.

“If you are going to try to remain married to a narcissist you’ll need to be able to wear that confidence to deflect all of the arrows that he is going to be shooting at you. It’s what he does and it’s probably not going to stop. Having confidence allows you to look at what he’s saying and see it for the lie that it is.”

“Anger is never fun to endure no matter who is displaying it but a narcissist has a special gift of anger that is more intimidating than anything I have come up against.”

“The narcissist will lose his temper over being corrected, being disagreed with, or because the wind ruffled his hair the wrong way. Losing their temper is one way that they control you and it is important for you to break that cycle.”

“When a narcissist gets into an argument he will lose all sense of right and wrong. He’ll make wild accusations, crazy statements, and use words out of context. His whole argument will be confusing and incomprehensible if you refuse to be intimidated by the words he is throwing around. There is no point in responding. Again, walk away. Staying and trying to get him to listen to reason is a waste of time. You don’t have to prove your opinion to him or anyone.”

“Surviving a narcissist means watching out for yourself and making sure that you do not become the victim of another one of his deceptions.”

I’m leaving the link for you to read further.  https://www.firstwivesworld.com/index.php/my-narcissistic-ex-husband/item/7960-eight-coping-strategies-for-life-with-a-narcissist

Basically it comes down to the same story. You as wife or partner have to accept that this man you with, has a personality imbalance and if you want it to work at all, you have to ultimately deny yourself of a happy and carefree companionship. You’ve got to forget about being swept off your feet or even romance because narcissistic people don’t do romance.

All I want to say is that you are more valuable than diamonds. So much is required from you within your capacity as wife, partner and mother which is making each one of you so significant.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how much research I do. No matter how many therapists or doctors try to analyse disorders and what more. We have only one final solution to all our troubles. Only God can restore this wicked way of life. No one else can change your husbands’ heart like Jesus can. He is the answer you’ve been looking for. Run to Him for comfort, for strength and for direction. Sometimes it’s not for you to solve the problem. God wants to work and heal your partner from within and that’s not something for you to do. I believe at times it is wise for a woman to stand aside for God to work. Sometimes it’s good to stand waaaaayyyy on the other sideJ He never intended for us to be in an unhappy relationship with our spouses. It has to be nurturing and favorable for husband and wife as well as the kids.

Something that stood out for me while watching a movie one evening. The betrayed character played by actress Kate Winslet said with so much truth regarding her failed relationship. Her lines were: “Listen, I know it’s hard to believe people when they say they know how you feel, but I actually know how you feel….you see I was seeing someone back in London. We worked for the same newspaper. And then I found out he was also seeing this other girl Sarah, from the circulation department on the nineteenth floor. Turned out that he wasn’t in love with me as I thought he was. What I’m trying to say is that…I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or how many gyms you join or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends you still go to bed every night, going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could’ve misunderstood. And how in da hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that however long that may be, you go somewhere new and you’ll meet people that make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back and all that fussy stuff….those years of your life that you’ve wasted, that…will eventually begin to fade…” (From the movie The holiday starring Kate Winslet and Cameron Dias). That is painfully accurate.

Like I said sometimes it’s good to step outside of the warzone and let God fight the battle for you. Let him make smooth the crocket areas in your relationship and if you are meant to be together you will be. #trusttheprocess

 

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