So PMJ❤ has got a new way of teasing me by saying whenever we ‘debate’ about a topic… ‘Why don’t you blog about it’ or ‘that would make a good blogging topic’. Well, this is just one of those topics and he is going to regret saying that because now I’ll do just that and talk about him😊😊 (…being silly with boo because he loves teasing me all the time😋)
I thought it would be a great learning experience for me as well to tackle this ongoing challenge that we’ve been experiencing in our marriage. Over time I’ve come to learn that it’s not always necessary for me to voice whatever comes to mind. Sometimes it’s better to be silent and review or discard the words that want to come out of my mouth🙊🙊
This is a challenge that most couples encounter at any stage of their marriage. We are still struggling with this one and more so because our kids are in the growing up phase. They still need and wants our attention constantly…like in all the time… our every waking moment😓😒 This is what’s happening at the moment.
Due to our schedules we don’t always get proper time to discuss daily matters as a couple should. We would touch on the basic stuff like how the day was at work, errands that need to be done and stuff regarding our kids. Maybe we’d have a 15 minute chat on the phone during the day. But then there’s other things that cannot be discussed in front of the kids, so most of the time we have to wait until Princess❤goes to bed before we can talk privately. Now I’m the kind of person who likes to handle issues the moment it comes to my mind. Not necessarily a good time for husband though, but just because I’m facing it at that particular time I feel it must be said.
Right at that time it just so happens that husband either just opened his laptop to check his emails which would occupy his mind completely or he just dropped into bed after a long day and his eyes closed automatically. He’d be falling asleep at any moment of time while we busy talking. That makes me feel so annoyed, like am I boring or what??😠 If he doesn’t get a pillow in the face right there and then, I would instead turn my back holding back tears of frustration. This time though I actually waited for him to wake up after he dozed off for 20 minutes to tell him that he fell asleep on me again. I don’t like it!! And then I would give him the 30 minute long talk on why he found it good to fall asleep in the middle of my sentence…and all he hears is; whine, whine, whine…LOL. At times I feel its disrespectful other times I think it’s just impolite even if he doesn’t mean to be.
So as God directs me I feel the need to delve a bit deeper into how we as couples can overcome the frustration that bad timing tête-à-têtes brings to our marriage. I read up on an article about how to keep conversations with your spouse until you find an acceptable time for both of you to talk.
The Bible says in Proverbs 25:11, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. “ In other words, when something is said in the right setting, it can be a beautiful thing. Even a rebuke spoken by someone who is wise in how and when they say it, can be like an “earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold“ to one who is properly prepared to hear it, according to verse 12. It also says in Proverbs 15:23, “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply, and how good is a timely word! “ – Steve and Cindy Wright – Marriage missions.
Read https://chanty007.wordpress.com/2018/02/14/its-a-love-thing/ about words that hurt.
Our marriage is a work in progress so I’m taking in all the advice that the older generation have to offer. I came across an article by Margaret Campolo. She wrote a book called Husbands and wives where she discussed how she and her husband worked through it.
Timing Your Talks🐝
“During our years as young parents, Tony had to learn that when he came home to find me exhausted and overwhelmed, that this was not the time to share his insights about how I might better organize my schedule. However wise and well-meant his words at such times, my weary mind could hear only criticism. And my response would be to become defensive and angry. But if Tony occasionally guilty of bad timing, I raised it to a fine art form in our early years together.
“‘You should have allowed more time,’ I would say as the hour for the meeting came and went while we searched for a church in an unfamiliar town. ‘I want to plan our schedule for next month,’ would be my greeting as he collapsed into a chair at 11 P.M. following a hard day’s work. ‘How about if we have some friends over for dinner this Saturday?’ I would call after him as he hurried out the door. Such statements brought angry or irritable responses from him. And they usually quick tears from me.
“What I had said always seemed so reasonable. It took me much longer than it should have to realize that my problem was timing. And timing is a problem with which I struggle, because I am the kind of person who likes to take care of things right when I think of them. And this, like most traits, has a negative side as well as a positive one.
“For Tony and me, a special area of concern is the demands other people make on our time. This is a place where I am often guilty of bad timing. When people give me messages for Tony, I tend to err in the direction of trying to get them what they want. I do this even though my first duty should be to consider how my husband feels. Is he tired or overloaded with details? Is this a time when he has chosen to rest rather than to work? Sometimes when I realize how bad my timing has been, I wonder how I could have been so insensitive. But I am improving!
“Working on a marriage for a long time does teach you some things about timing. You learn to ask yourself, ‘When would be a good time to talk about this?’ Or, better yet, you learn to ask your spouse that same question. And you learn that sometimes it is a matter of waiting for and recognizing the right time before you say anything at all. (Queen Esther in the Bible is a good example of saying the right thing at the right time in a prayerful, careful way.)
Right Words, Right Time🐝
“In every marriage there are things that are better never said. Into this category fall those statements that we utter only to make ourselves feel better, such as ‘I knew that would never work,’ or ‘My mother is so much easier to get along with than yours.’ Such words often seem to burn within us, to goad us into speaking them. That is the time to beware, to pray to the Lord for the strength to throw them away unspoken. Each time you do that, it makes the next victory easier.
“Sometimes a question, an idea or even a criticism OUGHT to be expressed, but the Lord knows you don’t have the right words to do it just yet. If you ask Him, He will help you to wait for the right time to say it in the best possible way.
“The Bible has much to say about the trouble into which our tongues can get us (James 3) and wisely counsels us that there is a time to keep silent as well as a time to speak (Ecclesiastes 3:7).”
So the next time you have an issue to discuss, consider IF it should be said. And then consider HOW you say it. A softened approach usually works best —the “soft answer turns away wrath” method. And then consider if the TIMING is right to say it.🌼🌸🌼🌸
Wise words I’d say.